The List: Top 10 Worst Films of 2014

Trying to play catch-up, I present to you my worst of the worst for the year of 2014. I wasn't able to get a lot of reviews up for the year, so maybe these shorter versions; summing up the crap being listed, might make up for it.

10. The Monuments Men

A movie that should work just based off talent alone, but is completely misguided in every way. Star/Director George Clooney assembles a cast that includes Matt Damon, Bill Murray and John Goodman and tells a true tale about men who are tasked with recovering fine arts for preservation during World War II before they are destroyed by the Germans. A really solid idea wasted on a horrendous script that doesn't know what genre it wants to be and wastes the opportunity to tell a fascinating true tale.


9. A Million Ways to Die in the West

Already not being a fan of "Ted", and watching trailers and commercials that did not make me laugh, I had a strong feeling that this film was going to be a chore to sit through. And I'm happy to report, that "A Million Ways to Die in the West" didn't disappoint. Seth MacFarlane proves once again why he is not leading actor material, as he makes a Western film with current day sensibilities. Gross-out jokes fall flat, cameos add nothing and the talents of Liam Neeson, Charlize Theron and Giovanni Ribisi (among others) just stands around with their talents completely thrown aside.


8. RoboCop

The definition of a bad remake. Removing all of the interesting parts of the original, brilliant RoboCop and replacing the satire with Samuel L. Jackson ham-fisting you with his satire and giving you generic, boring Joel Kinnaman as RoboCop. Stripping away all the good elements and adding nothing of interest will only ensure your movie will cement itself in history as the terrible remake of a classic film.

7. Transcendence

And speaking of wasting talent, we come to The Lawnmower Man Transcendence. Johnny Depp plays a scientist who wants to live forever in cyberspace. I really hated this movie. Morgan Freeman, Cillian Murphy and Rebecca Hall can all try to hide this film from their resume while Johnny Depp will be forgiven after his next outing as Jack Sparrow.

6. Drive Hard

John Cusack's e-cig and Thomas Jane's hair star in this wannabe action/comedy that is neither full of action or laughs. Not that this has anything to do with the film itself, but it took me longer to find a poster that would work on this site than to type this information about it. Almost as if the site didn't want anything to do with this film. Also, this is from John Cusack on his Twitter when asked by me: "Was it your choice to use an e-cig in Drive Hard or was it already written into the script?" John Cusack reply: "We really didn't use any of the script". That should tell you all you need to know about Drive Hard.

5. Rage

What would a worst of the year list be without Nicolas Cage making an appearance? A bad movie with no redeeming "fun factor". Nicolas Cage's daughter is murdered, he sets out and administers his..."RAGE"! Ugh, his hair, as usual, is its own character but none of the other characters make even the slightest impression and once the movie is over, you kinda hate yourself for wasting your valuable time on it.

4. I, Frankenstein

Any end of the year list has to include a film from the notorious dumping ground of films known as: January. My vote goes to this boring, Underworld-wannabe with Aaron Eckhart phoning in his performance as the most boring version of Frankenstein's Creature yet. And when your film can't even reach the bland, boring levels of the Underworld franchise, that should tell you something.

3. Transformers: Age of Extinction

Fuck Michael Bay and this abomination! Almost 3 hours long? 3! Too much time has been wasted just powering through this film that I wont waste another second on it.

2. Bad Words

Even though I enjoy Jason Bateman overall, this knocked him down a few pegs for me. Everything about this movie missed its intended marks. While discovering a loophole in a spelling bee contest, Bateman's character is determined to beat all the other kids and win. Not just the dumb idea, but the cliched reasoning behind the film along with a character that the audience can't sympathize with makes this film arduous to sit through. This films complete failure shows how hard it is to make a good dark comedy.

1. Left Behind

Ah, Nicolas Cage and his hair returning to the list to claim the top spot! Based on the hilariously awful film trilogy, Nicolas Cage slumps to new lows as a pilot in the middle of the Rapture. Cheap effects, wooden acting and no sense of fun torpedo this film. If director Vic Armstrong had let Nicolas Cage off his leash, this could have had some camp factor. Alas, he film is so solemn and serious that one cannot even enjoy how bad this film truly is. And if you can't laugh at yourself, you make Left Behind.

Another year, another crop of bad films. Nicolas Cage continues to be a staple on my list as do expensive films for no reason. The one thing I am happy to report is that most of these films were either box office bombs or so bad that they didn't even bother with releasing the film to theaters. Now, if everyone could stop seeing Michael Bay's Transformers saga, then the world might be a better place.

The List: Top 10 Worst Films of 2012

Listed below are the films I personally feel were the worst 10 films I saw in 2012. As I am a poor, old, boy, finances limit me to a certain number of films I was able to see throughout the year. This is not to say that there are worse films out there that were released in 2012, but these were the worst 10 films released in 2012 that I saw through year's end.


10. This Means War

Directed by the continuously terrible McG, this waste of celluloid brought a decent cast together to make one forgettable film. CIA Agents and best friends Foster (Chris Pine) and Hansen (Tom Hardy) both fall in love with the same woman. Hilarity ensues. A very implausible story is tied together by predictable rom-com tropes and awful dialogue. I never hated this film, it was just too stupid for the cast it attracted.


9. The Cold Light of Day

As stated in my initial review, this really was just a way for Bruce Willis to get a trip to Spain. Future Superman star, Henry Cavill plays Will Shaw, who is having personal problems that will never arise again, when he meets with his family for a vacation in Spain. After Will's family disappears, Will's dad, Martin (Bruce Willis) briefly appears and reveals that he is a CIA Agent and his partner Jean Carrack (Sigourney Weaver) states his family has been taken due to a MacGuffin briefcase. Will then goes on the run where boring action scenes and long exposition fill the screen. Another piece of crap involving CIA Agents and a waste of a perfectly good cast.


8. Boring Man on a Boring Ledge Man on a Ledge

Once again, a solid cast is wasted on another forgettable film from the beginning of the year. Continued star in the making, Sam Worthington plays Nick Cassidy, a man who read this script and decides to end it all by stepping out onto a ledge and threatening to jump. Instead of jumping, he stands there and awaits the police to arrive. As he hasn't jumped, obviously more is going on. A bad "A" story and a horrendous "B" story involving Jamie Bell and Genesis Rodriguez help place this film on my list. This film also has the distinction of the best cast on my "Worst Of..." list that includes Elizabeth Banks, Anthony Mackie, Edward Burns and Ed Harris.


7. Stolen

Good God, I just reviewed this movie. I'm not revisiting it again so soon. Please just check out my review on this guaranteed Award Winner. Again, though, what the hell was up with Josh Lucas?

6. The Watch

See how funny the poster for this film is? This film is about 0.000000000000000001% as funny as that poster. A solid comedic cast is perfectly wasted in this overly unfunny film. These four vague outlines of characters, because none of them are actual characters, fumble around a messy plot that can't decide if it wants to be an alien invasion film or an Old School-type "frat pack" film. In between the few sequences involving the aliens, we are treated to painfully long sequences of improv that should have ended up on the cutting room floor. This misfire was thankfully avoided in theaters for the most part and should stay avoided.

5. Transformers Battleshit Battleship

Every Summer, there is a film that costs way too much money and misses the mark. This year's offering is the wildly over-budgeted and very under-everything else. Basing a film off a board game has never really been a wise decision before, and this film proves that wholeheartedly. Instead of boats sinking boats, the U.S. pisses off a bunch of aliens and the game is set. The game itself is pretty fun. The film is absolutely not.

4. ATM

Now we find us at the most unintentionally hilarious film of the year. Three douchebags are held captive inside an ATM. There's your plot and that's all you get. We have our unseen killer who decides to terrorize them all night, even at one point, sitting in a lawn chair and watching them. This film is god awful, but I will admit to laughing out loud much more than when I checked out The Watch.

3. The Devil Inside

The film that not only pissed off the critics, but film audiences and especially the horror audience. Told through the cliched "found footage" genre, we are treated to boring shocks, lame twists and awful acting... just what you expect from a horror film in January. Unfortunately, the film builds towards a climax then just ends, and leaves us wanting to check out their website. Rule number 1: Have an ending for your already terrible film.

2. Piranha 3DD

So, you decide to take all the best parts of Piranha 3D and throw them away? Ok, I don't understand that, but maybe you're trying to take the film in a whole new direction? No, you just decided to strip away all the entertainment value and give us a lame cameo with Gary Busey, no budget and David Hasselhoff being the best thing in this film? How are you not number 1 on this list?...

1. The Divide

...that's because The Divide was released this year! Sorry, Piranha 3DD, this masterpiece relegated you to the runner-up. This bleak and miserable misfire was a film I was genuinely excited to see. After a really good opening scene, we have to spend almost two hours with some of the most miserable characters in location that shows you the budget they are working with. Headed by a solid cast that includes Michael Biehn, Rosanna Arquette and Milo Ventimiglia, this film fails on all levels. When it tries to say something about how society breaks down, it instead is just an ugly film that tries to be shocking but only comes off as nasty and cheap. A truly awful film and one of the worst films I have ever seen.

There you have it, folks. My pile of crap. Ten films I would be happy to never see in my lifetime again. Hopefully, if I can save one person from checking one of these films out, then I feel like I have done my good deed for the year. Just take my word for it, these films suck.