Into The Woods

Talent is cobbled together to create a giant mess!

Meryl Streep plays a Witch who has placed a curse upon the family of a Baker (James Corden) and his Wife (Emily Blunt) wherein the Baker and Wife cannot have children. The Witch is willing to remove the curse if the Baker and his Wife are able to obtain four objects: a red cape, a white cow, yellow hair and a gold slipper.

                                               "Hopefully there are no half man/half wolf pedophile Johnny Depp
                                                               lookalikes with a penchant for underage girls with picnic baskets
                                                               lurking in these woods."


During this time, the owners of the other objects begin to live out the fairy tales that you have read in books. Little Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford) and her cape are on their way to grandmother's house with a basket full of goodies only to be interrupted by The Big Bad Wolf (Johnny Depp). Rapunzel (MacKenzie Mauzy) spends her days locked in a tower while being secretly visited by a Prince (Billy Magnussen). Jack (Daniel Huttlestone) is on his way to town to sell his beloved cow while Cinderella (Anna Kendrick) struggles continues to lead on her Prince (Chris Pine) and leaving him with a serious case of blue balls.

All these characters meet and intersect "into the woods" as they each have their reasons for crossing through the title. Eventually, in what would seem like the film beginning to wind down, The Baker and his Wife gather the objects desired by the Witch to have the curse removed. Surprisingly, the film continues onward for a long portion of time and leads past all of the characters living out their "happy endings".

                                            "Sup, sexy?"
                                                           "Sup, beefcake."


Watching the characters go through their happy endings and finding out that everything does not end well could be an interesting idea. Unfortunately, the film doesn't really follow through with following the characters beyond where the fairy tale ends. What we get instead is a race against time with the characters teaming up to stop a threat coming down to the woods. Any hope that might have survived for something interesting quickly fades and we are reduced to a bland and boring second half of the film.

Not to say the first half of the film was something to write home about. Into the Woods has a star-studded cast, yet no one seems to hit the notes the characters need for this type of film. Meryl Streep is having a lot of fun, but her Witch is never menacing. Johnny Depp's brief appearance as The Wolf is highly disappointing as The Wolf comes off as just a pedophile version of Johnny Depp with painted on whiskers. James Corden tries to step up and hold the film as the Baker, but Rob Marshall's bland directing and surprisingly ugly set design keep the film bogged down; never allowing Into the Woods to get any momentum going.

                                          Johnny Depp molesting this tree is still more watchable than 'Mortdecai'.


It's a shame, as there is a good idea to be had with Into the Woods. Unfortunately, that idea lays dormant and we are instead treated to an uninspired film that wastes a perfectly good cast.

3.4/10

31 In 31: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

Yes, the tagline for this film is "They Saved the Best for Last"....

Like usual, advertising lies. Rachel Talalay brings us probably the most incomprehensible Nightmare on Elm Street film in the entire franchise. Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) is stuck in Springwood, Ohio and all of the kids in town are dead; save for one mysterious guy who goes by John Doe (Shon Greenblatt).

John is thrust out of Springwood with no recollection of who he is and what is going on. He stumbles to a local  youth shelter where he meets with care giver Maggie Burroughs (Lisa Zane) and misfits Spencer, Tracy and Carlos (Breckin Meyer, Lezlie Deane and Ricky Dean Logan). Maggie attempts to have John try to remember details about his life by dreaming, wherein he begins to dream about Freddy and Springwood.

Maggie decides to take John to Springwood, accidentally bringing Spencer, Tracy and Carlos along to be Freddy's fodder. A plot that makes no sense later, Maggie, John and the kids must struggle to get out of Springwood and destroy Freddy Kruger once and for all.

Make no mistake, this is a god awful film. The script makes no sense; something about Freddy struggling to leave Springwood and take his show on the road... I really don't know. Along with that, director Talalay infuses the film with an intense supply of humor ranging from sight gags to cameos for no reason (including Tom Arnold, Roseanne Barr, Johnny Depp and Alice Cooper to name a few). The humor really does not work and due to the large amounts of humor heaped onto this film, horror and suspense falls by the wayside.

Possibly the worst aspect of this film is the end. Freddy's final battle and how that is resolved is horrendous. From the lame use of 3-D to the dream demons and onward to Freddy's end all feel very uninspired. It is sad to look at where A Nightmare on Elm Street started and, at the time, this was how it was going to end. "Kids..."

Now, on the flip side, I still find this film somewhat enjoyable on a purely dumb level. Most of the gags fall flat, but some of them are entertaining... maybe because the rest of the film is that bad. The recurring house sequence, and Spencer's dream including the infamous "Power Glove" line are some of the so bad, it's good segments. Not to say that they are good by any means, but they stand out more than the rest of this cluster of a film.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is a mixed bag of awful and less awful segments. On the plus side, I still think it is better than Nightmare 2 and 5. That has to count for something, right? Yes?