The List: Top 10 Worst Films of 2012

Listed below are the films I personally feel were the worst 10 films I saw in 2012. As I am a poor, old, boy, finances limit me to a certain number of films I was able to see throughout the year. This is not to say that there are worse films out there that were released in 2012, but these were the worst 10 films released in 2012 that I saw through year's end.


10. This Means War

Directed by the continuously terrible McG, this waste of celluloid brought a decent cast together to make one forgettable film. CIA Agents and best friends Foster (Chris Pine) and Hansen (Tom Hardy) both fall in love with the same woman. Hilarity ensues. A very implausible story is tied together by predictable rom-com tropes and awful dialogue. I never hated this film, it was just too stupid for the cast it attracted.


9. The Cold Light of Day

As stated in my initial review, this really was just a way for Bruce Willis to get a trip to Spain. Future Superman star, Henry Cavill plays Will Shaw, who is having personal problems that will never arise again, when he meets with his family for a vacation in Spain. After Will's family disappears, Will's dad, Martin (Bruce Willis) briefly appears and reveals that he is a CIA Agent and his partner Jean Carrack (Sigourney Weaver) states his family has been taken due to a MacGuffin briefcase. Will then goes on the run where boring action scenes and long exposition fill the screen. Another piece of crap involving CIA Agents and a waste of a perfectly good cast.


8. Boring Man on a Boring Ledge Man on a Ledge

Once again, a solid cast is wasted on another forgettable film from the beginning of the year. Continued star in the making, Sam Worthington plays Nick Cassidy, a man who read this script and decides to end it all by stepping out onto a ledge and threatening to jump. Instead of jumping, he stands there and awaits the police to arrive. As he hasn't jumped, obviously more is going on. A bad "A" story and a horrendous "B" story involving Jamie Bell and Genesis Rodriguez help place this film on my list. This film also has the distinction of the best cast on my "Worst Of..." list that includes Elizabeth Banks, Anthony Mackie, Edward Burns and Ed Harris.


7. Stolen

Good God, I just reviewed this movie. I'm not revisiting it again so soon. Please just check out my review on this guaranteed Award Winner. Again, though, what the hell was up with Josh Lucas?

6. The Watch

See how funny the poster for this film is? This film is about 0.000000000000000001% as funny as that poster. A solid comedic cast is perfectly wasted in this overly unfunny film. These four vague outlines of characters, because none of them are actual characters, fumble around a messy plot that can't decide if it wants to be an alien invasion film or an Old School-type "frat pack" film. In between the few sequences involving the aliens, we are treated to painfully long sequences of improv that should have ended up on the cutting room floor. This misfire was thankfully avoided in theaters for the most part and should stay avoided.

5. Transformers Battleshit Battleship

Every Summer, there is a film that costs way too much money and misses the mark. This year's offering is the wildly over-budgeted and very under-everything else. Basing a film off a board game has never really been a wise decision before, and this film proves that wholeheartedly. Instead of boats sinking boats, the U.S. pisses off a bunch of aliens and the game is set. The game itself is pretty fun. The film is absolutely not.

4. ATM

Now we find us at the most unintentionally hilarious film of the year. Three douchebags are held captive inside an ATM. There's your plot and that's all you get. We have our unseen killer who decides to terrorize them all night, even at one point, sitting in a lawn chair and watching them. This film is god awful, but I will admit to laughing out loud much more than when I checked out The Watch.

3. The Devil Inside

The film that not only pissed off the critics, but film audiences and especially the horror audience. Told through the cliched "found footage" genre, we are treated to boring shocks, lame twists and awful acting... just what you expect from a horror film in January. Unfortunately, the film builds towards a climax then just ends, and leaves us wanting to check out their website. Rule number 1: Have an ending for your already terrible film.

2. Piranha 3DD

So, you decide to take all the best parts of Piranha 3D and throw them away? Ok, I don't understand that, but maybe you're trying to take the film in a whole new direction? No, you just decided to strip away all the entertainment value and give us a lame cameo with Gary Busey, no budget and David Hasselhoff being the best thing in this film? How are you not number 1 on this list?...

1. The Divide

...that's because The Divide was released this year! Sorry, Piranha 3DD, this masterpiece relegated you to the runner-up. This bleak and miserable misfire was a film I was genuinely excited to see. After a really good opening scene, we have to spend almost two hours with some of the most miserable characters in location that shows you the budget they are working with. Headed by a solid cast that includes Michael Biehn, Rosanna Arquette and Milo Ventimiglia, this film fails on all levels. When it tries to say something about how society breaks down, it instead is just an ugly film that tries to be shocking but only comes off as nasty and cheap. A truly awful film and one of the worst films I have ever seen.

There you have it, folks. My pile of crap. Ten films I would be happy to never see in my lifetime again. Hopefully, if I can save one person from checking one of these films out, then I feel like I have done my good deed for the year. Just take my word for it, these films suck.

Stolen

...Another film by Simon West.

3 films in 2 years shows that Simon West is either a work horse or has multiple bills to pay. Regarding this Nicolas Cage gem, my money is on, like Nicolas Cage I'm sure, the latter.

Years after a bank heist goes awry, thief extraordinaire Will Montgomery (Nicolas Cage) is released from prison. He is now reformed and determined to do the right thing. And that first "right thing" is to make amends with his daughter, Alison (Sami Gayle). As such with a film like this, just as their reconciliation begins, his daughter wants nothing to do with him and bolts. Unbeknownst to Will, his old partner Vincent, (Josh Lucas) has other plans and kidnaps Alison.

Vincent's masterful plan involves holding Alison hostage in the trunk of a taxi cab, blackmailing Will and retrieving ten million dollars. Will has to race against time to retrieve the ten million dollars and to find Vincent before Alison is killed.

Good lord. This movie sucks. There is not really much to write about here. Basically, this plot has been done, and done much better by a lot of films. Even Gone in 60 Seconds, (the 2000 trash heap) which this film basically rips off, is a better film.

Nicolas Cage, like usual, is on auto-pilot as is Simon West. No one brings anything worthy to the film and makes it much more of a chore than it has to be. The script by David Guggenheim never takes any chances and follows the tired formula of a reformed criminal who must resort to "one last score" in order to save someone he loves. If that description of the film sounds familiar, then you already know how this story is going to go.

Unlike Nicolas Cage, Simon West and David Guggenheimm, Josh Lucas provides an interesting character with Vincent. Unfortunately, this isn't a good type of interesting and might actually be worse than what Cage, West and Guggenheim offer. Once the prologue for the film is done with and we are now eight years later, Vincent has changed since we saw him last. His changes are not for the better and actually made me laugh out loud more than once. It must be seen, as my limited vocabulary will not do it justice. Though, you might be better off just not experiencing this film. Either way, Josh Lucas' Vincent is one of the least threatening villains in the history of film. Fact.

Anyway, i just saw this film and I'm struggling to remember what happened. Just avoid this.

2.2/10